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01:38pm 17/06/2009
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
I spend so much time trying to build an impenetrable wall around my heart that whenever someone creeps in, even just as a friend, it really freaks me out. I thought I had done a good job at keeping people close, but not too close, up here. But then I found myself genuinely opening up to somebody. And now we're close, like real close. Like I have no problems crashing on his couch (sharing a bed would only perpetuate the rumors) and snuggling with his cat all night. Like I can actually be myself around him. And he listens to me. So many of my friends need me to be the listener, need me to take care of them, and give advice, and be the expert on everything relationshipwise (which I'm obviously not) and generally be there for them. But he's the only one who knows when I need taking care of, who could see when I was not quite as ok as I was pretending to be, and who knew when to call and talk and when I needed my space. It's uncanny actually. And now there's all the obnoxious rumors that we're dating, which I really can't handle right now. I know "ruining the friendship" and "I'm not ready for a relationship" sound like cheap cop outs, but honestly I can barely handle this as it is. I'm not good with the whole opening up and trusting people thing, and this is stretching me to my emotional limits. I don't know why I'm so intent on being completely invulnerable. It's not going to save me from getting hurt. And it's an impossible goal. But it's my comfort zone. Keeping conversations light, casual sex, and being such a good listener that people never find out what's going on in my head... it's how I roll. And it's not nearly as exhausting as putting myself out there every day was. I can handle this. I need to keep it light while I figure out the important things, like what the fuck I'm going to do with my life, how I'm going to pay the bills next year, and relishing summer in Chicago, which by the way if bloody fabulous.

And it's nice, in an odd and disconcerting way, to know that someone here is there for me while I do that. He's watching out for me, and genuinely cares, and isn't trying to get into my pants every time we talk. He makes me laugh, calls me out when I'm being a bitch, and somehow puts up with all my bullshit without flinching. He's a friend, and a damn good one at that, and as much as I tried to avoid this whole feelings thing, I'm kind of glad that they're there. Kind of. I still think it's kind of a pain in the ass. And I'm still ambivalent about where this is going to go. Because if there's even a hint of romantic tension I'm going to have to bail. My heart is still in repairs, and it's going to be a LONG while before I'm back in the game of love and all that shit. I mean fucking hell, when realizing a friend is a really close friend is a big emotional "wtf" moment clearly I have some issues to work out.

But I'm aware of it. And I can handle it. I just need some time. And friends. Which I have.
 
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(no subject)  
05:46pm 10/05/2009
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
Moving on is hard enough as it is. There's enough little shit to deal with, enough reminders throughout the day, enough failed attempts to distract myself. But I can't keep talking to him all the time. I can't keep having the same conversation about why we broke up, about what I need to do now, and about WHY we shouldn't stay friends at least for a while. It tears me up, and then I have to spend an hour or two getting back on track.

In the meantime, I have a date tonight. Like, meeting for dinner at a cute sushi place, and if it goes well strolling around to find somewhere to have dessert, and if she invites me up to her place to watch a movie and snuggle... well... we all know what that means. Assuming everything goes well that is. She knows I just got out of a relationship. Because I drunkenly rambled about it and then went "omg I didn't mean to be 'that' girl. I'm so sorry" which at least made her laugh. She's got her shit together anyway. And in a strange way she reminds me of Aaltje (Braden's wife) which is just adorable.

Even if I really like her, it's not going to go anywhere. And that's going to be a sucky conversation to have, but it's the truth. I think part of me just wants to feel like first dates and flirtatious relationships are possible right now... at least attainable. Because I'm excited. And nervous. And I'm enjoying this feeling. I haven't had it in so long. I just need to find a way to get through this without hurting anyone else... but maybe I'm at a place in life where everyone has grown up enough to handle these situations? Because if so... that would be incredible.

On a related note, hanging out with my queer friends has been a lifesaver lately. Caitlin and Lokchi have been fan-freakin-tastic. In close second is the circle of bros, Mike, Ben, Drew & Jon. It's weird because those were not the two groups of people I expected myself to lean on... but they were the ones who turned out to be there for me. I guess it's true that you don't really know who your friends are until shit hits the fan, but it always amazes me when people I didn't think would care turn out to be the rocks who carry me through the tough times. I didn't how I was going to be able to handle this with Megan & Abbe so far away... and they're obviously no substitute... but they'll do. :)

Dammit. I spent time writing this and now I'm going to be late. Ooops!
 
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I know this feeling  
11:59am 27/04/2009
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
This feeling never leads to good places. The restlessness. The annoyance. The indifference. This never leads to good thoughts, good feelings, or good relationships.

I don't know if it's just because we haven't seen each other in so long or if the problems are bigger than that, but I don't have the same easy contentment that I used to. I don't let out the same wistful sigh when I look at old pictures. But I do covet having my bed to myself. And am not getting the same comfort from our good night calls as I used to.

And I don't how to talk about this. "Honey, I'm not sure why but I'm not as happy in this relationship as I used to be..."

Ok. That's actually not a bad idea. And I know it. But I don't wanna. That's not going to be fun. And it's going to drive him to be more clingy and find more ways for us to talk 24/7 and that's the exact opposite of what I'm craving right now.

But I'm starting to doubt if he's really "the one". And he has no doubts whatsoever about me. And I don't know how to reconcile that. Because I don't want to talk about marriage. I don't want to think about kids. And I don't want to think about "settling down" at all right now. I want to travel. I want to live abroad. I want to have ridiculous nights than end with long contemplative walks home as the sun comes up. I want to sneak the occasional cigarette. I want all that stupid little shit. And it sounds so immature. And I don't know how to vocalize it without just sounding like I want to be a single party girl.

I don't know what to do now.
 
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(no subject)  
05:04pm 23/06/2008
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
"I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart, I've left it with you."

-Edward Cullen

I know. It's terrible. I didn't want to like these books. They're pretty terrible. But I can't help wanting to know what comes next!
 
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Well, dammit.  
02:15pm 20/08/2007
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
Why don't I have a Jenny Reilly to my Tommy Donnelly?




Far too obsessed with that show. I can't help it. I'm a sucker for romance and violence, especially combined. And family above all? I can roll with that.
 
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Yeah so maybe I'm just as emo as you are, kid.  
01:21am 12/07/2007
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
See, what you don't know is that I've already played out our entire relationship, beginning to end, all of the options, in my head like a choose your own adventure novel. We've already had the real deep conversations, decided not to be serious, had lots of hot wild sex, couldn't help ourselves, dropped our first l-bombs, were cutesy all over town, overcome our insecurities, got comfortable with each other, and inevitably drove each other crazy, imploded on ourselves, and eventually drifted apart. We found out that what we both have in common, insanity and commitment issues, aren't really the qualities to base a relationship on.

Oh, before that I played out the conversation where we talked about that before jumping into something rash and intense (see scenario above) and decided to just stick to the hot wild sex. After all, that's what we're both good at.

But after that, there's a part you don't know about. There's a part where I see you flirting with other parties and have to ignore the knot in my stomach. The part where I try to make you jealous and end up miserable because it looks like it didn't work, because even if it really did I'd never know. Another thing we have in common is hiding our emotions to protect ourselves. There's all the awkward moments. There's the "will we? won't we?" game for a few weeks while our affair slowly dies out. There's the tangible tension created from words unsaid because we're both too damn stubborn to be open with someone else, because if we're open than we're vulnerable, and then we could get hurt. Not to mention that'd just way too intimate. We don't do that.

I've also considered the possibility that we're never going to hook up again, and it was just a fun one night stand, and we're just going to go on seeing each other at parties and making small talk and giggling to ourselves because all we can think is "I've seen you naked!" and awkwardly flirt never knowing if it could lead to something more or if we missed that boat. What sucks about this is that you'll never know that when I'm pretty sure you'll be somewhere I try to look extra sexy. I put on the cleavage shirt (yeah, that's intentional) and rock the smoky eyes and glossy lips, and try to get just drunk enough to be confidant and sassy but not too drunk so I'm incoherent. I wonder if you'll dance with me, because whether you knew it or not that was the moment I knew we were going to sleep together. You might not even remember it, but the chemistry was undeniable, and I know you can't resist a good fuck. So even if we try and pretend it never happened, we're always going to have to deal with the fact that we're attracted to each other. And since when did either one of us have any shred of self control?

Basically dear, we're too much alike. And we're about to seriously fuck ourselves over.

I hope you have more sense than I do, because god knows I'm looking forward to this. At least it's better than the bullshit I've been putting up with. And at least I'll finally get some hot wild sex out of it. Like I said, that's what we're both good at. Maybe we deserve what we get from each other.
 
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(no subject)  
09:39am 28/05/2007
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
God, this fucking hurts. I'm not sure if I felt worse last night or if I feel worse this morning. I couldn't stop crying from the minute we had that conversation. I cried on the dance floor, in the middle of everything, not that anyone but Becky noticed or anything. I cried up against the wall where we had been making out not that long before. I cried outside of the club when we couldn't find J-mart. I cried on the walk home. Luckily I pulled myself together when I actually had to see her for a few minutes and the drive home, which was maybe a bad decision but I sure as hell couldn't stay there and the idea going back this morning to get my truck made me a little nauseous. And then I cried when I got home. A lot. I haven't felt that acute sense of loss and rejection so hard in a long long long time. I haven't let myself be in that vulnerable of a position with anyone else. I closed my heart off for a reason, and this feeling is it.

I'm just glad I didn't tell her how I really feel. I'm pretty sure my kisses and my smile did that for me, but at least I didn't admit how in love with her I really am. I'm that guy from Love Actually. I'm that guy with the posters, and believe me, no one wants to be that guy. Being that guy sucks. A lot.

And I can't even fucking hate her for it. Of course it makes sense. We're both horrible in relationships so what kind of damage would we do to each other if we tried it together? She's a commitment-phobe and I give love a bad name. Oh yeah, and she has a fucking boyfriend right now. Not that that stopped her from making out all over the place, and not just with me. I'm just the only person who thought that it meant anything more than being drunk and wanting to make out, which is what we're going to end up pretending it was. So when I feel like I can go back to it, I'm just going to smile and hang out with her all the time and cook tacos and watch movies and go to the pool and probably flirt and listen to her talk about her boyfriend and support her and do all the things a normal good friend would. We'll take more cute pictures of the two of. We'll keep the ones we already have up as our default myspace pics. We'll listen to gay men tell us we're a fucking cute couple, and we'll laugh together about it. And I'll be happy every time she calls me. And I'll just hide the look in my eyes and pretend that I'm nowhere near as bitter as I really am. I'll stop with the cryptic lj references to her. I'll stop dancing so close. And maybe I'll even make nice with her boyfriend and pretend that I'm not secretly plotting his death every time I hear his name. And I'm not really, because more than anything I want her to be happy.

Yeah, pathetic. I know. She's the only person in Tallahassee I would willingly get into a relationship with. I'd drop everything for her. The casual sex. The rampant flirtation. The eye sex on the street. I'm not really attached to any of that. It's my safety net. It's the only way I know how to operate because that whole falling in love and having a real meaningful relationship doesn't work so well with me. I'm not good at it.

I have to get out of here. I just want to run away and not come back for a few months. Maybe to California. Maybe to Mexico. I don't even care anymore. I just don't want to be here in Tallahassee. I don't want to have to see everyone. And everyone knows, even the few who didn't know before.

What hurts even more is I can already predict how I'm going to deal with this. I'm going to get hammered and fuck the first person who will jump into bed with me. It'll take a few days to get my A-game back, as it's hard to look sexy with tear stains on your cheeks and heartache oozing out your pores, but it'll happen. And I might even be able to make more social situations even more awkward as an added bonus. That is something I'm good at. So I'll spend today listening to depressing music and trying to nurse this poor heart of mine back to health and then the rest of the year building a wall around it so strong that I can't ever feel this again. Because I don't think I could handle it. I felt like I was falling into pieces last night, and now I'm just numb to anything except this throbbing ache where my joy used to be this summer. But I have school, and grad school, and money, and food, and so many other things to worry about that should probably be my top priorities anyway. Not this. Not her. So everyone might get confused when I dedicate my time to being productive because I haven't done that in the least bit whatsoever yet this summer, but I don't think I have another refuge left.
 
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(no subject)  
03:22pm 23/05/2007
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
Hi, I'm Jessie, and I'm kind of a dude
I get my kicks from bitches, baseball, and booze
I drive a truck
I like to fuck
And I spend all my money on tattoos
 
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If sex is a game... I play to win  
01:31pm 16/05/2007
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
I worry sometimes about how much I enjoy meaningless sex with people I don't know very well and don't care about hardly at all. It's one thing to be scared and wary of relationships, but it's another to avoid them like the plague. Any time I meet someone I might actually have a chance of being happy with I find some excuse to not go for it, or find someone else who is more of an asshole to sleep with. I don't want to be a girlfriend. I don't want to have a significant other. I just want to slut around some more until I get the hell out of this town.

But then I judge myself for that. When my mom rolls her eyes when I tell her I met someone new. When Pat makes comments about me changing boyfriends as often as I change my panties. When Jenna calls me a whore as a term of endearment. When Tradd's jaw drops a little when I mention past exploits. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, but I can't figure out what. I'm not hurting anybody. I'm not lying to anyone. I'm not sleeping with people to gain power or even money, just to earn myself a few hours of happiness. Sex is not an expression of love or commitment to me, it's just an act of pleasure. It's fun. It's enjoyable. It's changeable. It can mean different things with different people and as long as we're in agreement about what that meaning is I don't see how it matters to anyone else.

And I don't see why other people's opinions matter so much to me. Because a large part of me just ignores them and truly doesn't give a fuck. I'm going to do what I want to do regardless. But a small part of me is a little upset with the world. Why does my sex life define who I am? Why is it any kind of measure to judge me by? I don't mix sex and friendships anymore. I keep my hook ups separated from the social circles I actually care about. And I don't share the details with anyone except my besties. I don't gossip about who I've been with. And I certainly don't need anyone's approval to fuck someone I'm attracted to. Yet people seem so damn eager to either give or deny me that approval. I don't want it.
 
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This is our last dance  
10:06pm 26/04/2007
 
 
Not Quite Pretty
2 glasses of wine
5 camel lights
2 hours of phone time arguing with my parents
12 games of text twist
3 visits to abbe's room
plus lots of hours of writing
=
hopefully the most brilliant fucking paper I've ever written.





The pressure is killing me.
 
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